Depressed and feeling it.

Sorry to anyone that faithfully follows or looks forward to my new poems (is there anyone like that?), as I haven’t been really “with it” since I last had a spate of inspiration.  Since then I have kinda swung into a depressive state and my productivity all around is a bit lacking.

Anyone with major depression or bipolar disorder (I or II) will know what I mean.  It was strange, I could tell something was up.  I found myself unable to really focus or complete tasks straight through without brain-dead periods mixed in.  That’s when I first noticed something was changing.

I was working, sitting my computer entering some data, nothing complicated really, just data entry and found that I had stopped typing and I was just staring at the screen and not thinking about anything.  And it was a struggle, like shaking out a cramp, to get myself to refocus.  This was a few days ago.  I had also been struggling staying with something at home, I would jump from video game to video game, to housework, to just standing there lost as to what to do–very unlike me except when I am in a funk.

I didn’t feel overly depressed at the time, nor for the rest of that day, but I had also noted my memory had gone to shit.  I missed two doctor appointments in one week.  Totally spaced them, reminder calls and everything.  My reaction wasn’t, “Oh no, I missed my appointment”.  It was more like, “Yeah….figures…..” and I didn’t really care at all.  The emotional reaction was one more of relief.  Because I didn’t to have deal with it.  *sigh*

Then yesterday about mid-day, WHAM, I am suddenly a breath away from crying for reason.  Just had an over-riding desire to cry….nothing happened, nothing was said.  Things are work were mellow.  Things at home were great.  Just suddenly I felt a deep sense of sadness and heaviness that I think had been building for some time and I just wasn’t allowing myself to feel it.

I think, also, that I have learned how to compensate during depressive or hypomanic states.  That is, I think I have built up mechanisms to help myself deny I wasn’t feeling right.  Either I lied to myself and tried to say I was tired or whatever, but I found ways to not ‘be depressed’.  A couple years ago that was alcohol, now I am starting to notice how I “feel” at any given moment and it’s tough when depressed.  These also included making sure others don’t see my depression.

So, I want to apologize that I haven’t posted any poetry lately, I will try to get that ball rolling again. I have been working on some songs that will be on my A Feat Aslant page before long.  It’s really some interesting experimental stuff, kinda dark, but that’s to be expected right now.

Thanks for reading.

~smiling1541